We are different – we have different needs.

06.05.13 | Category: About Family
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We are different – we have different needs.

This is a chapter from the book “The art of being a wife”

If the only thing you will remember after reading this chapter is that we are different, it will already be
good enough.


The problem is that often we give something that we would like to receive back. Women have three
basic needs:

Men also have three needs, but absolutely different:

As a result, women tend to give attention and create closeness with their husbands, especially in a time
that is difficult for him. They want to help and do everything themselves to relieve his burden. But man
reacts only by drowning deeper in his crisis. Why?


Because when a hard times come he needs to be left alone for a while to put all his effort to accomplish
his most difficult task. This is his way to overcome crisis. This is why men try to give their women what
they need themselves: when she cries – to leave her alone to recover. When she is looking for a shelter
– to tell her that she is strong, she can manage herself.

As a result woman thinks that her husband became insolent and callous. She wants to be cared about,
cradled in his arms. We understand the word “love” differently. For a woman it means care. She feels
loved when she is taken care of, helped and protected. For a man, love means belief. He feels loved
when his partner tells him: “You can do it, I know it for sure”. If only to start giving to each other the
right type of love, relationships will already be much more stable, because each will feel loved. But to
do it we should understand clearly that we are different. God created us different for a reason.

I would like to quote from the vedic treatise “ Vishnu- Bhagavat” about the different nature of men and


She is a speech, he is a thought. She is a judgement, he is a law. He is mind, she is feeling. She is
obedience, he is rectitude. He is a writer, she is a performer. He is persistence, she is serenity. He is will,
she is wish. He is mercy, she is a gift. He is a song, she is a note. She is fuel, he is fire. She is radiance,
he is the sun. She is movement, he is wind. He is a master, she is wealth. He is fight, she is power. He is
lamp, she is light. He is day, she is night. He is justice, she is compassion. He is riverbed, she is river. She
is beauty, he is strength. She is body, he is spirit.

There is a reason for us to be so different – we ideally fit to each other creating a complete system.
Instead of asking from a husband to become more understanding and caring (which in fact means
“please, become a woman”) let us celebrate the differences – there are so many of them!


Just a few examples of how differently we do things:

Man is unitask. Every moment in time he is busy with a single task, everything else is blocked. Just look
how he texts on the go – he stops, becomes silent and types. Woman is multitask. She can manage to
type sms and talk with a girlfriend at the same time, making soup on the way and helping her kid with

A man measures life according to achievements. Woman – by relationships. And self-esteem forms
differently – for a man from the amount of deeds, for a woman from the amount of love.

A man is not as sensitive to the surrounding environment. He can live years in a bachelor’s den with no
curtains. A woman cannot stand that, she will get to the curtains and linens, will start dusting in every
corner, not to mention that she will wash floors even under a bed.

A man unable to talk about feelings for any prolonged period of time, if at all. But he can share his
thoughts for a while. A woman can spend hours talking about feelings and emotional experiences, but
after 30 minutes of thought –sharing she gets bored.

A man who went to a store to get bread will come out in 5 minutes with a loaf of bread. A woman will
spend half an hour or more and will show up with the cart full of goods. And she also, needed only


A man can wear the same suit for ten or even twenty years. Besides that his wardrobe may contain
also a few shirts and a pair of socks. A woman simply will not survive with such set. Her clothes should
change constantly, it is like a gulp of a new energy. If it is not possible to buy a new thing, then at least
old clothes should be altered. To go three times in the same dress to a restaurant is over the top for her.
Everybody has already seen this dress!

If a man while in a company of other people will want to visit a restroom – he will just leave. Women
visit restrooms in pairs at a minimum.

At a given moment in time a man can either feel or think. A woman produces feelings and thoughts at
the same time, as a flooding stream. This is why it is very difficult for a man to listen to her – he cannot
switch back and forth so fast.

When a man is hungry, he is straightforward and says “I want to eat”. But a woman very often asks
– “Are you hungry?” – which means that she would like to eat something. The same about relations,
feeling hot or cold, watching a movie…

A man gets ready in fifteen minutes – to put on clothes and to shave. A woman may need two or three
hours to get ready. If it is for an important date – a few days even!

A man gets his energy from sports, competitions and disputes. A woman only loses her strength in
these ventures, while meeting girlfriends, getting a massage or dancing give her a boost of energy. So
does shopping for her, but it can totally drain a man.


Man for every action gives a score to his partner, depending on the deed and its quality. Good dinner-
100 points. OK dinner – 50 points. Great dinner with his favorite food – 200 points. There are also
penalties: wife cursed him – minus 200 points. If she was disrespectful to him in the presence of friends
– minus 1000 points.

Woman also keeps score for signs of attention, but not based on their quality, but rather an amount.
One flower – one point. For fifty roses – one point. For buying an apartment – one point. For a nice card
– one point. The significance of a gift is not as important as its frequency. Now it is clear why women
think that man always owes them something. He estimated his gift of 50 roses as 1000 points and rests
on his laurels. His wife gave it one point, and the rest 999 points as a credit, taking care of him. Simple
conclusion from here – it is easy to become the best man ever by always being attentive to his wife.
Women should work on staying away from “penalties”, or one quarrel may use up all good points.

Man has four main conditions: hungry- full and tired-rested. This is it. They can make up few variations:
hungry-tired, full-rested, hungry but rested, full and tired. Woman has a billion of different states and all
of them are different, with different emotions and feelings. Even PMS is different from one to another.
Last month she thought that nobody loves her, this month she thinks that everybody hates her.

Man wants to become ideal to see his wife in a good mood, because her mood troubles him the most.
She wants to become an ideal wife so that he would always be close with her, because it hurts her the
most when he is emotionally distant.

Man plays a role of secretary of external affairs. Woman is responsible for internal affairs.

It is not a full list of the differences, a lot of them you can observe every day. We were created different
from each other and we need each other because we are different.


We stay together for the same reason, and we can be happy if we will understand our differences.
I would like to conclude with a few words about equality. One story from life of a great saint –
Bhaktivedakta Swami Prabhupada. Because he was unsupportive of ideas of emancipation he was
blamed as a woman-hater. He replied to that:

“I have never said that I do not like women. I just cannot agree with the idea that man and woman
are equal. How can I?! First of all you need to prove that this equality exists – may be sometimes your
husband is pregnant and sometimes you. No, really, if you have equality, let your husband become
pregnant. Manage to arrange this”.

Here we understand that gender equality is something artificial. In fact we are just different and no
need to be compared and decide who is better. This approach brings up only quarrels. If we will learn to
recognize and to celebrate differences – then harmony and peace will come into families.

Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.com

Translated by Irina Stout

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