What is a right relationship?
I often talk about right relationship. The ideal to strive towards which sadly is a rare occurrence nowadays. Does this mean that it is a myth?
No, it does not. It means that each one of us has a chance to have it once we start changing and learning how to build harmonious relationships. Well, we often think that we know everything and can do everything. Why learning to uild? – we met each other, fell in love, and that’s it.
Ok, we learn several months to drive a car. We study many years to become teachers and doctors. However, no one and ever has taught us how to be a wife and still we do believe that everything will work out effortlessly. It is the same as if anyone would decide to be a dentist or a surgeon tomorrow. With no education, experience, and knowledge. Well, no one will get hurt in the best case.
It’s never late to start learning how to build relationships. Learn how people did it before, analyze the experience gained by grandfathers, and be aware of what common mistakes modern families make. Study, look, take for a model, and then put to test in our own families.
In Vedic society girls started preparing for marriage at the age of… 7! Or even since the birth as the right nurturing of a girl is a passport to success in her future married life.
For a start, you should have a clear image which relationships could be considered right or taken as a role model to follow.
We often say that we should live our own lives and there’s no need to be like someone else. And that’s true. But it’s different in relationships. By default, we create relationships like someone else does, and generally we copy marriage patterns of our parents and grandfathers. Ideally, we should learn from our souls to understand ourselves, to follow our needs, and to build on our personal strengths. By getting inspired by the examples of others and acting then as our hearts tell us to.
However in a relationship, if we do everything at our hearts’ will, we’ll get egoism. I’ll obey my husband as long as I wish to and talk to him in a voice prompted by my heart. I will thank him if I wish or shout if I wish. Modern families are frequently formed this way.
Basically, role models are necessary to distinguish when we hear the ego and when we hear the heart. They are useful to look from the outside (which is more simple) – how to talk to a husband to bring joy to both of us, and how to help each other to open up. To see deeply what is important to a man and to a woman, and then use the knowledge in our families.
Here are some examples of the couples that truly deserve to be taken for family models.
1. Henry Ford family
Henry Ford was laughed at his idea to produce an automobile that every American could buy. He’d been inventing and crafting in a garage many nights long. The only person that had always been beside him through all those nights was his wife. She’d been holding an oil lamp at him and cheered up every time when something went wrong. He would always call her his great believer for the support she gave and was ready to go to the ends of the earth with her. Her name is not well known as his is. Clara Henry Ford is the woman that we doubtlessly can learn to believe and inspire a husband from.
2. Dale Carnegie family
We remember Dale by the book How to win friends and influence people. His wife, Dorothy, wrote another unique book called How to help your husband get ahead. In the book she analyzed success stories of many great men and the contribution made by their wives. Dorothy presented her understanding of a wife’s inspirational role and we definitely see that she helped her husband to succeed.
3. Stephen Covey family
Stephen and Sandra Covey had lived together for more than 50 years. They raised 9 children, at the moment they have 53 grandchildren and 2 grandgrandchildren. Despite their quantity, the children have not ever felt deprived!
Each of them has become a multi child parent and that is exactly how The Coveys expand their influence on the world. They tell in a great detail about their married life in the book called The 7 habits of highly effective families.
The book has a plenty stories and tricks so that it can fairly become a Bible for each family.
4. Helen Andelin family
Helen is an author of the best book for women of all time and space called Fascinating womanhood. It is based on Bible truths which is surely very valuable. Helen’s family was big as well, she raised 8 children together with her husband. After they grew up Helen started educating men and women all over the world to the wisdom of creating true family relationships. Her rich experience and variety of different stories make the book very helpful.
5. Emperor Nikolai II family
It’s not known much about him – tragic end to life and subsequent canonization. But those who have had a chance to read his wife’s, Alexandra Fyodorovna, diaries, get to know another side of the emperor. Her skills helped him to withstand the hardship. Their family had been strong and bonded till its last day. They continued to love and respect each other and Alexandra Fyodorovna was the one who created this special atmosphere.
6. Lubov Orlova and Grigory Alexandrov family
Their marriage was considered fictitious and weird. They’d been sleeping in separate rooms from the very beginning of their relationship. Such explicit separation is mentioned a lot in Vedic stories.
Men’s part of the house is for men only where they can walk unshaved, naked or in underwear, pick teeth and ears… There’s a women’s part of the house where women can stay unbrushed, without make up, in lingerie that they freely hang all over the territory. And finally, there’s a common area where everyone appears fully dressed up and ready for a rendezvous. Women on that area are always beautiful and charming, and men are always in fresh clothing and good mood.
Literally, it is a general respect to another person. Always letting him or her see you only when you are fully dressed up. It is much easier to keep respect to each other in such zoned house. Regretfully, in a modern world we see each other several times a day rumpled and with bad breath.
Lubov Orlova and her husband wanted to avoid the above and they were successful. They managed to keep reverent attitude to each other till their last days, however only few have appreciated that.
7. The Gorbachevs
It is hard to imagine Mikhail Sergeyevich without Raisa Maximovna. Even though she passed away many years ago, he often admits how badly he misses her warmth and support.
She devoted herself to a husband, all her life she’d been helping him through the walk of life he’d chosen. She respected and appreciated him so that everyone around reasonably imbued with great respect to him. Did she lose anything from her life choice? I don’t think so. We all do have something to learn from her.
8. US President Eisenhower family
Mamie, together with her spouse, a young officer, had gone through all trials and tribulations of the military service. She’d been an example for other officers’ wives though he was sent on duty to France and Philippines. She always supported and helped him, both when he was elected a president and when succeeding elections were lost.
9. Alexandr Khakimov family
Many people know Alexandr Khakimov while his wife is not known much.
Sometimes she sings before his lectures, sometimes she sits at his feet, but uually she is somewhere in the hall. She is very modest.
They have lived together for over 30 years, raised a daughter. But more important fact is that they have decided to follow the path of spiritual progress. As he grew spiritually, she’s been walking after him. At hard times when they had no money she didn’t rub it in. She appreciates that he’s chosen a life path that considerably differs from usual paths.
He could leave everything and go to Armenia to rescue people after an eathquake, and she blessed and prayed for him. They live together this beautiful way – for God’s sake, not for each other’s. Together they bring spiritual knowledge to people. They have a family relationship with no karma because they are on the highest level now.
In addition to the above examples you can look at people around you. It doesn’t mean that you should fully copy them. Instead, you can take the best they have and the best they can.
I personally remember our ex-neighbors, a family with 4 boys. I remember their mother very well. She always looked great, coped to do everything, and was always radiating happiness. Being next to her, I was ashamed of getting tired of my 2 babies. It was appropriate to learn to manage big family’s life from her as everything was done on schedule with no delays and exceptions.
Moreover, I have the example of my husband’s parents who’ve been together for over 35 years. All, because they’ve learnt to take care of each other, excuse flaws, and look for good. They still do care for each other and it’s sincerely precious.
My another example is my grand-uncle and grand-aunt. They have been married for more than 50 years (I can’t even tell exactly how long). The have two adult daughters and son who’s passed away, 4 grandsons and 1 granddaughter. The dearest quality they have is how they unite people around them. My grandfather can be called a Nokia phone because he really is Connecting people. Everyone visits them, stays and spends holidays with great pleasure. It’s genuinely valuable, especially now, during disunity time.
I have friends who refer to each other with the formal Russian you (meaning you from English thou-you) which helps them keep respect to each other at such hard times…
You will find many role models if you look for them. Someone can teach you housekeeping, someone – to good attitude towards yourselves, others – to proper attitude to a husband. The most important goal is to create an image of right and harmonious relationship comfortable and joyful for both spouses.
Such an image is present in the Holy Scriptures where you can find many examples of the families worthy to copy. Vedic culture is saturated with examples of such wives and husbands.
Do not stop learning the art of being a wife. Do not rest on your laurels. Do not stay satisfied with what you have. You either grow or you regress.
Learn, improve, and be inspired. So that every woman will have a chance to get all bonuses a marriage can bring, or even more. Because there are no words to describe it, better experience it. If you have such examples, share them with each other! Inspire each other!
Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.com
Translated by Damilya Ruslanova