Why do married women really work?
«Autumn Sonata» is the movie which made me think again about work in women’s lives. This thought appeared so obvious to me, that in reality most of the women tend to work just so they can run away from their homes… and from their pain.
This movie is about a mother, who came to visit her eldest daughter. They started a discussion where the daughter was talking about her childhood, during which her mother was passionate about her career and spent most of her time at work; she was taking care of important things, while her children were desperate about her attention and love. For the mother, who has never been loved by anyone as well, it was a big shock and an awful pain, from which you cannot hide, but only run. Run back to work. I strongly recommend you this movie, especially if you are in a difficult relationship with your mother; because it will open your wounds and will heal them as well.
Women often write letters to me that they must find a job. Even though it is considered that this problem mainly exists among single women; my own statistics shows the opposite. This opinion can also be proved by the general statistics. 79 percent of married women work full time. More than half of them have children who are less than 3 years old, three forth of them have children who are younger than 14.
Is there anything frightening about it? After all it is great that they don’t stay home, like hens, but bring value and self-fulfillment! Nevertheless, what is their motive behind it? What price are they paying for that?
I will open you a scary secret. When a woman stays home, she has to deal with not the most pleasant things.
First of all, her own childhood traumas intensify during communication with her children. And it is very clearly seen when at certain age a mother has a strong desire to run away from home to work… to run anywhere. So she will not experience it again. So, no one will judge her. And an ideal solution for that is work.
Second of all, at home she has to deal with her unknown side- femininity and women’s path. She has to have a job which will evoke her womanhood. What if the feminine side within her and her family is traumatized? What if for many generations of her ancestors there was no one who could be or wanted to be a Woman? Then she has no role model and permission for that cannot be obtained.
Third of all, she has to learn how to built real and close relationships. Formal relationships can be built at work, but for two hours at home she has to play her role. And when you spend all of your time in the family it is impossible to pretend. In order to feel the pleasure and enjoy the process you have learn how to trust (to the husband of course), Love, accept and forgive. For the last 100-200 years these words have been associated with a lot of pain for almost every woman. And it is very frightening to merge with it.
Forth of all, already today we have a generation that has been raised by society, not by loving mothers but by exhausted educators and miserable teachers; the generation whose mothers were busy at work for the public good. Are we happy? Are we able to love? Are the feelings of security and acceptance have been formed? In addition, children learn and imitate those who spent most of the time with them. Who would look alike children that have been raised by babysitters or nannies?
Seems like, the fate of being a housewife for most of us is not only humiliating and boring, but also traumatic and full of painful feelings.
That is why work becomes a desired “emergency exit”- a way to survive, a way to escape from pain. Of course, we will never be able to confess about it. Even to ourselves. We will find the reasons- like mortgage, small salary of the husband, career, self development, maternity leave that has ended. It even may seem to be a necessary mean to us. But in reality at the bottom of the problem is an escape. Escape from pain. Escape from dependence, from your own helplessness and weakness.
We are not able to love; to accept love and share it. There was no one who would teach us that, because our mothers grew up the same way; or even worse. Many have lost their fathers during the war, and their mothers did not have time to get along with this sorrow. They locked their hearts and went to feed their families… That is why at home we have to deal with impossible- we have to open up our hearts again.
But once we try to open it, the first thing that appears is pain, an overwhelming pain of lonely and unhappy child; a baby with a pure and open heart who couldn’t find his mother’s warmth. It is frightful and unbearable to merge with it. So we close our hearts again, tightly.
Of course, we love our children and spouses. The best we can. Until we have a spiritual strength to do so. But it is impossible to open up and share the Love entirely. We are unable to live within this Love and give it. The True Love- it is barred under obstructions of pain and hurt. And it cannot get out of there.
A run from the pain can be long, as long as a lifetime, and even longer than that. But since we were born as women, then our main lesson is to open up our hearts and learn to Love. By trying to escape and running away from the pain we fail the most important subject. And it makes us even unhappier.
For me the most difficult age of my children is from one to when they are three years old. It was not the most pleasant period in my life, even though I don’t really remember it. I have been taken to the day care at the age of one (for all my childhood I hated day care), my father perished when I was 2, my grandmother on my mother’s side died from a long and painful illness when I was 3.
I don’t really remember that time, only my childhood feelings, that no one else was going to take care of my mother but me. That she has nobody else. That I have to take care of her, protect and save. Even in the middle of the night, when I was 7-8 years old, I went to meet my mom from her friends’ visit.
It was much later when my mother told me how difficult it was to take care of the grandma, while she was dying. How shocking was my father’s death. How hard it was to put her life together and move on.
And when my oldest son was one year old, something changed inside of me. I was not planning to go back to work, I enjoyed the maternity leave. Me and my son, we were busy with the house work and I was glad to spend time together with him. But all of a sudden it was not enjoyable for me anymore; suddenly I couldn’t take to be within the four walls any longer. Then I thought that it was enough.
And when my oldest son was one and a half, I went back to work. The reasons “didn’t depend on me”- my husband did not make enough money, we had to pay for rent and a babysitter. And I have been occupied with an “important business” for about 3 months. For a while it helped me to distract and forget about my problems. At the same time my soul disagreed with my decision. Yes. At home I had to deal with my childhood’s pain, even though I didn’t understand it right away. It was intolerable to let my child go through the same scenario.
I quit and came back home. At the beginning I felt easiness and happiness. And then I started to want more. I engaged in a project together with my husband. I worked from home, couple of hours a day. But during these hours I was like away from home. Physically I was there, but my thoughts and feelings were far away. I can barely remember this period of his and my lives.
Quitting was not enough. The situation has started to change once I have decided to meet with my pain. Then I started to do constellations and experience all the feelings again; father’s death, mother’s pain, my childhood loneliness.
After that I was able to abandon the job, it took too much of my inner power and time. So step by step I switched my attention to my other son. A birth of a second child was a bigger gift for me. I was incredibly happy to do the house work, as well as spend time with my children and husband. Vedic knowledge and constellations helped me a lot in it. It still helps.
Don’t quit your work, thinking that it will change your life right away. Until you deal with your negative feelings and live them through you would make it only worse to everyone; to your relatives who will have to pay a high price for your sacrifice and to yourself struggling from not being self fulfilled.
There is an episode in the same movie “Autumn Sonata”, when mother quit her job. And the daughter remembers it as the worst period, because tormented mother made everyone else suffer from her control and attendance. She didn’t learn to love and care, but have decided to take over control and hyper attendance. It will not make sense to quit if one has untreated wounds, it will be even worse.
First, find the power within to open up your heart- and once again live it all through in full. Clear the way for Love.
This period of my life lasted for couple of months, the period of daily tears, letters, hurt and prayers. I had to tell a lot to my husband and even to my mother. Still, sometimes I encounter with the echo of this pain. But now I already know that I have to deal with it.
Now I understand that most of the time we are as married women, go to work in order to run away from our pain. This is our way of escaping from a difficult situation. But there is another solution- in goodness. At the beginning it is hard, harder than a usual escape. But undoubtedly the benefit from this decision will be much higher.
See how your kids grow. Be there for them when they need your help. Support them. Help them to grow and find their calling. Know who and what have put in them.
Be a close friend to your husband, his muse. See how he spreads the wings, how he becomes a man, a real man.
Live your life in full. Love and be loved. Create your own small world. Fulfill it with light. And share this light with the whole world.
Be a woman, a real one, who loves with all her soul, an open and sincere, full of creativity; because real woman cannot exist without being creative.
It reminds me about another story from the book “Committed: A Love Story” by Elizabeth Gilbert. This story is about her mother. That once she had a chance to make a career. Her children were already in school or close to school age. So, mother immersed herself in the career. But one day it ceased to please her husband (as it happens often) and the mother made a decision towards her home and family.
Elizabeth Gilbert is a very creative woman, who values her freedom. But she openly says that “As children we were extremely happy that our mother was with us again”. It is written by free and emancipated American woman. That is why you cannot ignore this fact.
May be it was “a crash of mother’s career”, but that was something that made her children happy; because children need mother, her energy, her attention, her love. As we have found out later the mother had never regret about her choice. And she was truly happy with her family.
That is why Elizabeth had decided to become only a creative person- she does not have children. We cannot judge if it’s right or wrong. But the episode is very illustrative. It shows us that children become very happy, when their mother puts family at first.
Does this mean that all mothers have to sit behind four walls? Not at all. In every woman’s life there is a place for creativity, charity and her true calling; when she has already treated all her spiritual traumas, as much as she could, and came back to her natural state of Femininity and Love.
A true calling and creativity enter the life differently. It will definitely come. It comes by itself. It doesn’t knock the door, it simply enters without notice. And not only it does not suck out the power, but gives a lot of energy. It doesn’t take a mother away from her children entirely, however it gives them an ability to see her happy. It never bothers the family. It doesn’t have to be searched for long. It comes by itself- when the heart is open.
A true calling always brings more Love to the Women’s life. Because she does something that she Loves to do during her spare time. My experience as well as experience of my female friends proves that.
I wish that it will come to you along with the energy of Love, together with emotional experience of all your old traumas and sorrows.
Olga Valyaeva— valyaeva.com
Translated by Valeriya Kolesnikova