Let’s talk about one more way through which we lose our precious energy. This feature is able to be disguised even better than envy or greed. It is also clingy and quite intrusive. You will not get far when it is living inside your heart.

The name of this feature is pride. There are many words already said about pride. Here I will try to sum up it all.

Forms of pride in our life:

1. “I am always right” – this is an attempt to always be right in everything and a desire to accentuate your point and to prove to everyone that it is the only one that is correct.

2.“I am better than others” (I know better, I can…) – this is similar to the above form but the focus here is on your own superiority – so-called desire “being on top”.

3.“Do what I want you to do” – This is a combination of selfishness and pride together. This approach has the following attitude: “I know better what you must be or do. And I will teach you how you should treat me and talk to me”.

4.“I know how to live” – here a person can think the following: I will convert all you ignorant people into goodness. I will teach everyone and tell everyone how to live; (however, I will never apply this knowledge to my own life because everything is already great in my life, I am perfect even if not married or single. Quite often we fall into this category of people when we receive the knowledge and try to give it all the time to every single person around us without any differentiation. This forces our families to hate Torsunov or Narushevich and others like them. We faced this with Stephen Covey when my husband’s propaganda has been discouraging me from Covey’s book for over 2 years. Only after that was I able to take it into my hands again. The book helped me a lot so I regretted that I did not read it before. This is an example of how we can move happiness and success away from our loved ones by taking the propaganda approach of poking our sore spots in our souls over and over again.

5. Intention to be responsible for feelings, behaviour and fate of others – You know how children do this – they think that they are the reason of all the feelings that parents get (i.e. Mum is upset because of me. Dad is angry and this is my fault). If we carry those thoughts over into adulthood we then receive a paranoia that is based on pride. Look at these thoughts – “My boss is angry because of me, my husband is depressed because of me, child is sick because of me. I am an evil that ruins the world”… And again, “if everything is good in my life then I am the reason for all of this. My husband has success at work – my merit. Children learn well – I tried hard. The weather is sunny outside – I caused it. This is like I am a God that determines the fate, punishes or encourages”.

6.“I am the most miserable person in the whole world” – this is the same position as “I am the best” but reversed. “If I am not the most beautiful or not the most talented person then I will be the unhappiest person that has only problems… many of them. So I will complain about them, carry my cross and suffer”.

7. Judging others – “Because I know how to. So I blame them that they don’t do things the way I want them to do”. This approach has its consequences.

8.Hanging labels – Especially labels of a psychological orientation (socio, psycho). “You are Dostoyevsky, you are an introvert, you have a visual vector… This means that I am speaking as a cataloguer of other people and rule them as things.

9.Advice rejection – If person does not listen to anyone’s advice at all, then this is pride. If person listens to all advice and follows them then this is stupidity. A healthy position is the middle between the two.  This position is about trusting only those people that you view as mature. It could be parents, teachers or older girl friends. But if there are no such people in your life, the position of “none can order me” becomes the position of pride that does not allow a great deal. After all, advice is not always a sermon or criticism. There is room for further growth, development and discovery of new horizons if advice is coming from the “chosen” people. Those, whom you fully trust, those who treat you well unconditionally and unselfishly and who would always be happy for your success.

10.Constantly being in the condition of being offended and being a victim – a person with these attitudes has the following thought: “he did not talk to me the proper way, she did not say the right thing, they are behaved badly”. Or “I judge people’s actions and tell them they can’t treat me the same way, it is unfair!”. This is where pride is born…

11.Offer assistance and help to everyone but as if you are on top and all of them are down the bottom – this one means that you help a beggar but with such an attitude as if you are a God Himself who decided to come down and help this poor person. Usually you would expect huge ovations and many thanks. In case you don’t get them, then you fall into anger and resentment. This is because he help is done not for the purpose to help someone but to emphasize your superiority and as such to receive recognition.

12.Share your opinion and give an advice when it is not asked or needed – The Internet has a lot of these examples. Just have a look on some hot discussion topic and you will see how people judge each other and move from objective to subjective. These discussions happen even under the photos of a baby that has been uploaded for the national contest or something like that. I am not even talking about discussions of the articles or blogs. The goal of these people is to throw in their two cents and make sure that their word is the last. The goal is to win… whatever the cost is.

13.Complaining to your family – these complaints are built from the attitude of everyone owes me (i.e. children should study, husband to work hard and parents not to disturb my life)

14.Flatness of statements – this is when you think that people should live only how you tell them to and no other way. This is when you limit another person’s freedom of choice and free will.  Please do not confuse this with a clear definition of your position described by doctor Torsunov. He clearly expresses his position and then adds the following words – but you can decide for yourself how to live your life. Vedas say that people should get up early. But you can sleep till noon and test it on yourself.

15.Ingratitude – We forget to say thank you very often. Sometimes we say it automatically. A person, however, may have put a lot of energy and effort into his or her action. So often we judge the given gifts and think something like: “oh, again! Stupid towels”. Or we blame our child for poorly washed corners without actually noticing that the child was trying the best he can

16.Hyper-responsibility – this is when we put too much on ourselves and deal with things not just for ourselves but also for our mum, dad, sister or husband. This is again a position of being a God – I can do it all, I can manage everything, I will decide, etc.  In reality, however, this is not true. This is why they say that hyper-responsibility is the same as non-responsibility but just accepted by the social environment.

17.Non-responsibility – this is another way of pride. We do not take responsibility for ourselves when we think that other people should do this

18.“I saved you all” – this is a common feature of those who have professions that deal with helping people (doctors, psychologists). Person ascribes to himself someone’s recovery, forgetting the fact that everything is the will of God, that we are just tools. Even if a majority of patients recover, it is still not your merit. You just do your job well and are an obedient tool in the hands of God.

19.Not caring about the feelings of others – You may be have seen people with the position of doing whatever they want without caring about others. “I want to spend all money in the casino and I will, I want to have a mistress and I will, I want to send my mother to the retirement house and I will – so what? It is their problem, not mine” – they think. If we treat others this way, it will come back to us sooner or later. Neglecting the feelings of others is pride. The main task here though is not to start thinking either that you are the centre of the world or that you are responsible for feeling of everything and everyone

20.Complaints about your own life – “Not the right parents, not the right city, not the right husband – I know better what I deserve. This is all unfair! Someone made a mistake up there and I received someone else’s life. And there is another person who lives my happy life”.

21.God does not exist – “Who is this God? No one created me and I do not owe anyone” – this is the most dangerous form of pride. Pride that deprives person of an opportunity for spiritual growth.

So what can you do with this?

1. Share knowledge with those who ask for it (with the position I am like you) – to share knowledge is our duty. It is important to do it right, carefully and precisely. The best way to do so is to show your knowledge. This is the only thing that can motivate. Then, you can use primary sources. It does not mean to say words by Torsunov, pointing onto your own opinion but just show instead where you can find his material for download.

2.Start doing the work that you perceive as “dirty”, that is lower than your self-esteem – for example to wash floors by hand or wash floors in the corridor or paint the walls or do gardening for everyone. The point is to step away from your comfort zone and to understand that you will not break down from it, but rather the opposite– become stronger.

3.To make world better anonymously – for example to wash the same floors anonymously so no one thanks you for this and as such increases your pride. It is better to do charities anonymously as well and not to mention it to anyone. You can do it if only someone asks you to share your ideas about how to help others but do not tell anyone how often you do such things or how much money you contribute, etc.

4.Diary of life’s gratitude – write down 10 things that you are grateful for every night, such as the world, God, life. This exercise will help you to realise that this is all given to you, not that you create it all in your life. Then it will be so much easier to get through life crisis.

5. Practice of silent and attentive listening – you may try not to share your opinion on every single discussion for a few days but just listen to others carefully. Do not think of possible answers that you would give to the opponent while listening to him or her. Only then you would hear many interesting and useful things. People will also see you as a very pleasant person to talk to.

6.A practice of mental bows – worship to every single person that you meet. Some people cannot bow down and not even mentally for example to parents or a spouse. In arrangements it is bows that have a magical meaning. When bowing, the person shows respect as well gratitude and recognition.

7. If you give knowledge to people and receive a gratitude for it, give it to your Teacher then – if you do not have a Teacher, then there is definitely a person who gave you books one day. There are parents that taught you to read those books. There is a mum that taught you to cook and understand a speech. Receive gratitude from those who came to you. And then give it in your thoughts to those that taught you something. In this case you will not get pride and arrogance.

8.Acceptance of others – this is easy to say but hard to do. In any situation when you start to protest, judge or hostile try to say inside your head the following “you are not like how I wanted you to be” and repeat it many times.

9.Confession and prayer – is a universal way for any religion.

10.Charity – we discussed this many times before but remember that it is better to make it anonymously. Or at least do not say to everyone around you that you do it

11.Thank people – say thank you to the waiter for the cup of tea. To the boss for a new task. Husband for doing the dishes. Child for painted flower. Parents for their help and respect. And try to put piece of your soul in all gratitude that you give.

12.The principle of the mirror – remember that the world is our mirror. And people are also our mirror. If there is something that annoys us in someone else it means that we have the same disease. May be the disease is in different forms but the diagnosis is the same. When it happens, think about ‘where do I behave the same way as this person? Whom do I behave the same way with as this person?’

13.Anti-crab principle – if you put a crab in the bath it will climb out in a few seconds; but if you put two or more crabs in there none will get out. This is because the crabs will be trying to pull the most energetic one down back. Stop being a crab for your loved ones. Be happy for them when they grow and develop. Let your husband grow first, to get out from there. And then he will give you a hand. If you support him, he will definitely do it too. Better yet, at the same time don’t just be happy for him but also focus on your own self-development.

This all is not an easy conversation is it? But I am sure that it was not vain.

I hope that you find your pride inside and start working with it in order for it to start melting like an ice-cream on the bright sun, from the light of your love and warmth.

Olga Valyaeva – Valyaeva.com

translated by Margarita Lyulicheva