How much longer to put up with the husband’s antics?
This question is asked very often. In different variations, from very plain and innocent:
- How much longer do I endure his scattered socks?
- How much longer do I have to put up with unwashed dishes?
- When will he finally stop driving me crazy with his computer games?
- How long do I have to put up with his buddies and his mother?
- Will there be an end to his fuss over fishing? The whole house smells already!
To very difficult ones:
- How much longer do I have to put up with his drunken rows?
- He’s been regularly beating me for a year already. How much longer do I endure this?
- He is violent with the kids. What should I do?
- He cheats on me openly and laughs at it: should I just tough it out?
- Will he ever learn to not call me derogatory names?
I would rather talk about the second category of questions because the first one is solved by mere acceptance (and we talk about it a lot). The second one is more complicated.
Divorce doesn’t seem right but living like this is impossible as well. It is just not safe, not to mention the damaging effects of such relationships on the woman’s self esteem.
There are a few recipes here, but they all come to one. First of all, do not fear separation. Do not fear divorce. This Vedic wisdom helps to understand that our loved ones need nurturing. I don’t really like using the word “nurture” in respect to a husband, but I couldn’t think of a better term.
If your husband demonstrates his worst qualities and you tolerate it (just tolerate it), then you break lives of at least three people. Your life, because you become miserable and lose your self-respect. Your husband’s life, because he doesn’t understand that one day he will have to account for all that he has done. You foster his vices and they continue to grow;
and for this he starts building a deeper resentment at you. If you have children, they suffer as well. They absorb this life scenario and will carry it out later in their lives. Children from divorced parents have a 90% chance of a divorce in their own families. Daughters of alcoholic fathers marry alcoholics or drive their husbands to alcoholism. And the list goes Our inaction in such a case is a horrible thing. We think that it will not be right to start setting up limits and boundaries. In actuality, there is nothing worse than permissiveness and indifference. Indeed if we do not help our loved one become a better person, means that we don’t care about what will happen to him in the future.
The Vedic tradition recommends in such cases to withdraw oneself: go to mom’s or friend’s lace if possible. Withdraw yourself inwardly. This really works. Not right away but little by little, the man “sobers up” and begins to analyze what’s wrong. Especially if there is physical abuse, first hide in a safe place and only then start negotiating.
The second recipe is in the same line but with different words. The Vedas say that in family life each person has only two duties: living a healthy life and self-preservation instinct. If you do everything according to the lectures but do not care for the preservation of your internal energy, you do not fulfill your duties. Women/victim will not become a holy martyr. Quite contrary, she will be “guilty” for her own failures and for allowing her husband to sink so low. Often it is the victim who carries a great accountability by provoking and encouraging the abuser with her own behavior.
The third part has to do with the energy of the feminine. We have three types of energy that we need to know how to combine. It is the energy of love and beauty, to which a lot of books have been devoted. That is the energy of Lakshmi, the Goddess of prosperity. It is then the energy of knowledge and art – which is the energy of Saraswati. Right now they’re starting to talk about her as well.
And the energy of Durga – the energy of self-protection and purification. No matter how hard we try to always be white and fluffy, this energy is there to stay. It can come out from within us on its own on certain days of the cycle – when everybody in our household is horrified of us. It can also stay under control and get released only when we need to engage into nurturing our loved one.
Most importantly – remember that scandals, hysterias, and threats will not work. And to pretend that nothing is happening will not work either. But to communicate your grievances with the inner strength and sternness is the manifestation of the energy of Durga. And this works. But of course we shouldn’t forget about the two other energies.
Learn to create and learn to love, because that is the exact way you’ll become whole in your womanhood.
If you realize that to just tolerate is not a solution, then you should ponder. Are all those irritating things, his peculiarities or vices threatening your safety? Do they cause real harm to your well-being or do you simply want everything to be your way? Do you allow your loved one to have a hobby and a passion, personal space and to stay true to who he really is. And do you allow yourself the same?
It is generally thought that one should tolerate everything but physical abuse. Also start thinking how you contribute to such a situation. What do I do that he behaves this way?
But when the phase of physical abuse comes, take flight. Take flight and negotiate from a Do you simply suffer with teeth shut while puffing out like a balloon? If yes, then sooner or later it will erupt and nobody will benefit. Or do you respect yourself and your partner and allow each other a chance to become happier? And by doing so you harness your False Ego? This type of patience is beneficial to both.
And it is very important here to be honest with yourself and to listen to your Heart (not to your Ego). And to exercise serene patience, by the way, is beneficial to us all.
Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.com
translated by Yulia Bortko