Can a woman change the family relationship alone?
This is a chapter from the book “The Art Of Being a Wife And a Muse”
Almost always there appears a question if I can change relationships myself. If I’m going to change, to do my duties, to accept my husband – what will it lead to? What are the guarantees of success?
And this question indicates that with such approach there are no guarantees. We have already discussed three gunas of material nature, three kinds of happiness. So, when we start changing only to get the result as soon as possible, usually we run into disappointment. Because this is the influence of the guna of passion. Again and again I see these letters full of reproaches and disappointment:
“I am already wearing a beautiful dress at home, I’m cooking dinner but he still isn’t treating me the right way”
“I am doing my duties but he hasn’t fixed the shelf yet”
“I even told him that he is dear to me but in response he only growled”
That’s the way our souls are made – every self-interest provokes rejection. When we see that somebody needs something from us, we close up. We don’t want to give anything. We also don’t want to develop relationships. And we don’t necessarily need to speak it out loud – our thoughts usually not whisper, they shout. And they can be heard very well.
But still if I want to change, what for? To make this fellow understand what kind of queen is next to him and to make him start fulfilling my desires? To make him stop drinking, smoking and lying on the sofa?
What is the main motive of my changes? What is my goal? Because it is the goal that determines where I will come, what I will get and what will be the general result.
If I put on a dress to make him earn more money, the chances of success are very small. But if I do this because for him I will be more pleasant to look at – the result will be different.
If I cook for him with love, to give him pleasure and opportunity to rest, his heart will be melting, which means relationships will be getting warmer. But if I cook and then interrogate him: “Was it good? Where’s “thank you”?”, the husband will prefer to eat in the canteen where there’s no pressure from the cook.
If I’m telling him compliments thinking that it’s all a lie – he will feel insincerity. And trust will become only smaller. But if I’m going to change my thoughts about him, he will feel it for sure – even if I don’t express it with words.
When there is a conflict in the family, it reminds tug-of-war. When everyone tugs it in his or her direction and tries to gain some advantages for himself or herself. As a result both sides are exhausted and worn out. Even if you happen to win the competition, you won’t get back your wasted efforts. That’s why they say that in the family conflict both sides always lose.
And what do we do when we change in a female way? We refuse to take part in this competition. We just let this tug drop and by doing so we liberate our own forces and forces of our partner. We occupy our hands with other, more useful things, for example, with baking, fancywork or an iron. The husband is usually very inspired by the fact that there is no need for fighting anymore. He rejoices because he was allowed to win. And such rejection of fight gives birth to respect in his soul.
Remembering the film “Fireproof”, I’d like to remind you again that relationships can be changed even if the partner doesn’t take this step. The one who makes the first step will win. He will win an opportunity to make relationships better. He will win because there will appear one more reason for self-respect. He will win because changing and becoming better will inevitably make him happier.
That’s why I propose you to stop this “Push-and-Pull” game, “You give me – I give you”, “Who’s right”, “Who’s cooler”… In our families such useless and even harmful games have taken roots.
But we can play in a different way: “Let me make you happier”, “Who will do more good for the world”, “Who loves stronger” and so on. We can even do without any games and competitions at all. In the beginning it’s very difficult to get rid of familiar mechanisms, that’s why it’s possible to temporarily change the aim of such plays and games.
With the time there comes an understanding that real spiritual closeness is much more precious than your own rightness or pride. And this closeness is very fragile, it should be treated with great care like a porcelain vase. It can be very easily destroyed or broken. It’s very difficult to glue it back together afterwards. Difficult but possible.
But to tell the truth, it won’t be exactly glueing. You will have to sculpture and burn it anew. To start from zero or even from below zero. Of course, to sculpture and renew using four hands is quicker and more comfortable. When both partners start taking steps towards each other, the family gets stronger much faster.
But if it’s not your case, is it worth being sad? Yes, you will need more time and wisdom. Yes, you’ll have to melt your partner’s heart and then to fascinate him with the process of growth. Yes, you’ll have to change more quickly and strongly. But who’s going to benefit from this in the first place if not you?
When I stepped on this path, my husband was neither for it nor against. He was rather watching and evaluating. It wasn’t easy. I wanted to wake him up earlier in the morning, I wanted to make him wish happiness to everyone. But the results started to appear only when I was able to calmly go into the shower in the morning past my sleeping husband. Tucking up his blanket instead of waking him up and dragging to the shower.
In several weeks, he woke up and got up because of such blanket tucking. Then he got up himself. And then he started getting up even earlier than me.
A man is more difficult to be set on fire, he’s much more inert than a woman, he needs time to warm up his engine and gain speed. But if you take a moment and don’t put pressure and just inspire with your own example, he will outrun you and lead you along.
That’s the way it happened with us and a lot of our friends. For a woman it’s easier to start – she easily accepts new ideas and starts trying them out with ease. But it’s very difficult for her to keep changing. It’s the other way round with men. It’s difficult for them to accept new ideas and start trying. But then there is no stopping them.
And it’s a great way to develop together – when a wife helps a husband to begin, and the husband later helps the wife not to stop and leads her after himself. That’s exactly what you should strive for – mutual growth of two spiritually close people, taking decision to start this path today. It’s not an easy path but it leads to happiness. Not only to your happiness but also to happiness of several other people who are next to you – your husband, your children, your nearest and dearest and your friends.
Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.com
Translated by Olga