Why we do not talk about men’s duties
A chapter from the book “The Art of Being a Wife and a Muse”
Very often I hear from women:
“Yes, it’s all good. Being a woman, taking care of others. But I will do that when the husband starts doing
his duties. I want him to do the first step, buy me a fur coat, listen to me and then I can iron his shirts
and make breakfasts.”
These expectations can last for years. No one does the first step, waiting for a partner to do so. And
relationship is not benefitting from it; it is falling apart more and more. People become completely
estranged and no one wants to make these first steps any longer.
Why we do not talk about men’s responsibilities? Why are we only talking about ourselves in this book,
about our duties and ways to change us? – Because this is what we can influence at. This is what we can
change by making an effort. Changing another person is impossible and there is no point to even try.
We are all worried about our rights. It seems that someone violates it all the time; we are not given
enough of this or that. And all family arguments seem to burst out because of the same reason – “I know
how you should treat me. I have my rights and you are not respecting it.”
Nowadays world –is a world where people are taking each other to the court in order to prove their
point. We are all fighting for our rights…
But except our rights there are duties in our lives as well. There is always something we should do for
another person, something that can be described as our obligation. For example, it is our responsibility
as a wife to take care of family meals. And by fulfilling this duty, we guarantee fulfillment of family
members’ rights. After all, the husband has a right to have three meals a day.
When we are focused on our rights, we no longer perform our duties. And as a result, the rights of our
partner are violated. Of course we can investigate whose rights were infringed earlier, who was hurt
more and so on, but we can also make another choice and start performing our duties.
Because there is a Superior Soul or Conscience or Higher Justice in every human’s heart, when someone
is making an act of kindness towards us this conscience is eager to balance it, to make it up to him.
But it doesn’t always happen right away that our conscience wakes up and reacts immediately.
Sometimes it needs to be given a lot in advance and only then it shakes its wings, shows itself. But the
fact that each and every one of us has conscience remains a fact.
When we perform our duties we make our life easier. Because when doing our obligations we receive a
blessing from above to achieve our goals. We make life of people we love better, ensuring their rights.
And we give them a chance to meet with God, who lives in every heart, like the Superior Soul and
That’s why this book does not and will never have a chapter “Men’s Duties.” Let another men tell them
about their responsibilities as it is more likely they will listen and follow him.
As for us, we should take care of ourselves and our responsibilities – it is what we can really influence
at. While a lot of people dislike this approach, noting can be done – it is time of fast development of
Psychology in my opinion is the most dangerous science. And not only because it can teach how to
manipulate and influence people’s minds, but rather, because it creates an illusion that knowing
psychology is enough. Psychology is a science about one’s soul. But more often soul studies end up at
the level of everyday things. How to improve relationship with the husband, wife and children or how
to find one’s designation in life…. That’s all. Sometimes it slightly describes the meaning of life but only
scarcely… Is that really knowledge of one’s soul? Of its eternal and pure nature and of its felicity?
Psychology can be dangerous in the other aspect as well. As the more you know about people, the less
you are applying it in your life. You always have an excuse not to follow your obligations. Why am I not
doing my duties as a woman? – Simply because my husband is not doing his duties as a man. Why am I
not doing my work duties well enough? – Because my boss is not perfect and so on.
So we can say that knowledge of psychology is always giving us an alternate way out, an easy time.
We do not to perform our duty and do not to take care of others. I recall the situation when we
were flooded by our neighbor upstairs. And when we called her inside to show our wet ceiling in the
bathroom she gave us a brilliant reply: “Your wallpaper in the lobby have come off anyway.” It may
seem to be nonsense. What does our lobby have to do with the flooded bathroom? But it is much
easier to see the problem in the other person than to find and admit your own mistakes, than to start
performing your own duties – for some reason no one wants to do that…
Psychology is necessary and important, but only as a first step, as chance to improve relationship. But if
it does not lead further and deeper, in my opinion it becomes dangerous.
I want this book to lead you further than the ordinary psychological literature does. So you could
start thinking not only about your husband and children, but also about God, about soul, and one’s
Therefore, we are not talking about man’s responsibilities – we are only talking about us, women, and
our women’s power.
Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.com
Translated by Olga Bronovytska