What the men want (for women about men)
What the men want
Special thanks to Ruslan Narushevych for the shared knowledge about men`s nature which helped me to write this article.
Before marriage it would be extremely useful for each woman to have a “Manual” to her husband. The same about men – a “Manual” for a wife would be very much suitable too.
Our biggest mistake is to think that we are all identical and the same. When we think so we try to give each other those things which we would like to receive ourselves. Like in a fairytale about the crane and the fox – she pours him porridge into a flat plate, and he pours her porridge into the deep jug. As a result both of them are unhappy and hungry.
When a woman thinks that the man has the same needs as she does she tries to give him intimacy, security and gratitude. That`s the woman`s main needs!
Still somehow a man cannot stand such kind of care. And this is not a surprise when you get to know that a man has only two main needs.
- To be needed
- To be free.
The saddest thing is that they often contradict in a family life. When he gets married – seems he is needed; but is not free. If he doesn`t get married – he is free; but no one needs him. If he gets married and his wife is always unhappy – then he is neither free nor needed.
What we are trying to give men?
The wife is trying to give him intimacy which she likes so much herself and which he considers the infringement of his freedom. As a result both of them are unhappy. She cannot understand why he rejects her – perhaps he does not love her? He cannot understand why she wants to talk to him right now… when just right now he wants to be alone.
The wife tries to give gratitude to her husband but if she makes him compliments connected to his character there is no use of them – when a man hears that he is clever, handsome and kind … he either “raises his nose in the air” or considers it’s a flattery.
What really makes a man`s heart melt is giving him gratitude with the emphasis that he is needed. “You`ve cleaned the kitchen-sink so nice; I could not do it so without you!” – this warms up a man`s Ego. When you say “You are so much skilled to do just anything” – this would feed his false Ego.
A wife is trying to give her husband security and starts to surround him with care. She overloads herself with work in order not to make him overworked. She totally serves him – feeds, waters and dresses. Most likely sooner or later he would become like Oblomov (a famous character from a famous Russian novel known for his unusual laziness). He would have no motivation to go further and overmaster the tops. This, again, makes both of them unhappy.
How can we supply men those things they need?
The first step is to see that we are particularly different. We have different needs, different bodies, and different styles of thinking. We are made to be together – we match each other perfectly.
This is why we are particularly different. Each of us has his/her own responsibilities, functions, the way and the instruments. This is really perfect! If God wanted us to be totally identical – we would be one-sex creatures, lived alone, gave birth to children alone, and took care of ourselves.
Give him a feeling that he is needed
A man likes to give patronage. This is men`s nature. Of course not always we can see the readiness of a man to take responsibility. Sometimes men`s nature is so trampled by the women that they are afraid of the responsibility. At the same time only responsibility can make them happy.
Therefore in order not to make this burden too heavy for them we can give them additional strength. This strength for a man is the awareness that he is needed. Thus their lives start to make sense.
Women are oriented to a process, that`s why they need something all the time. The men are oriented for a result. He overmasters a hill – he receives the ovation. He gets a rest and goes to overmaster the next one.
But do we notice all the hills that he overmasters for us? Indeed, he:
- Earns money – as he can
- Helps around the house – as he can
- Brings up children – as he can
- Gives help – as he can
- Carries bags
- Pours a tea
- Ensures a rest to the family – as he can
- And so on
What about us? Each time when he does something we depreciate that. We say:
- Have you brought the money? Why, so little?
- Did you wash the dishes? Why so bad?
- Did you sit with a baby? Why, you walked with him only 3 times?
- Did you bring the products? Why not those which I needed?
- Why the tea is without sugar?
- Why do we rest in a country-house but not at the seaside?
And so on. The same we do with our children:
- So you finished the kindergarten? Go to school!
- Excellent marks in a first grade? What about rest 9 years?
- Got a medal for school? Than go and enter the institute!
- Entered the institute? Than graduate it!
- Graduated the institute? Than go and find work!
- Found work? So earn the preferment!
- Reached your dream? So get married now!
- Got married – than give a birth to a child!
- Gave birth to a child? Than bring him up!
And so on. Then our sons get the same wives – and now we hunt them in their lives together (and they are lucky if into the same direction).
This is about the appreciation of the achievements. The cycle should be completed. The endless race exhausts, demotivates and makes lose a feeling of self-respect. A man needs to know that he achieved something and that this something is very valuable and important to us. Thus he receives power to overmaster new hills.
We have to learn how to be grateful! This is all about nature! Look – conceiving of a child – a man (spermatozoid) has to reach the goal (ovule). The Ovule (woman) has to accept it WITH GRATITUDE. If she doesn`t accept it there is no way for a new life to begin.
dish and each earned coin. Seeing such a reaction he wants to do it again and again. He can`t do anything further if his previous cycle was not completed.
My personal experience is such that until I required achievements and deeds from my husband he did not want to move anywhere. I pulled him off the sofa and “motivated” him and he did not get motivated. Then I used this rule. I started to thank him for every deed and stopped requirements and pressing.
- Thank you darling that you you`ve helped me so much with that cold water. I appreciate that so much!
- Darling, you`ve made it so good, I`ve never had it done so good by myself!
- Sunny, that is so good you`ve got that contract!
- Thank you for sitting with children while I study!
And … I started to get more reasons for gratitude.
Give him a feeling of a freedom
Sometimes a man needs to be alone. “Go to a cave” as John Gray says. Only this way he can sort out his thoughts and feelings. This cave may be the office of a separate room in a house. It may be some café or a sport yard. There may be different options – the main thing is that he can be there alone and no one would disturb him.
He may feel good at home but constant being at home may arose his man`s essence. His mission is to act outside. He is like a wind that was not meant to be closed in a room – then it is not a wind any more.
He needs to be free. At least to feel that any time he can be alone and no one disturbs him. Than a family is not felt like a chain covering his arms and legs.
In order to get over anger – a man needs to be at his cave.
In order to get over something hard – he needs to get to his cave.
And the most important – in order to feel love to his family again – he needs to be alone again.
A wise woman lets a man go to his cave. In order he could fill there up with strength and energy. In order he could acknowledge how important a loved his wife is.
If we can engage ourselves with something interesting it would have been much easier to let a husband go to the cave. During this time we can take care of ourselves, our bodies, meet with girls-friends, learn woman`s arts, instead of waiting for him to return.
And once he returns – to meet him with love and gratitude. Like dogs do when their owner comes, indeed, no matter when did he come and what mood does he have. They are always glad and they obviously demonstrate it. We usually meet a husband a little bit differently.
A man needs communication with men
A man`s nature needs to exchange man`s energy. That`s why a loving wife is glad with husband`s friends.
They may seem strange, stupid or dull. But they are needed by our men. It would be great if they have spiritual talks and drank fresh juices. Still if they drink beer and talk about football – it is not worthy to interfere there, and moreover – to forbid.
A man needs communication with men. If currently he can receive it only at the football match with beer – let it be. Our acceptance can create miracles and maybe someday he finds a friend and they`ll really go fishing at the weekend; just fishing with a thermos flask of tea.
Be happy that a man has a spiracle! If he likes to go in for football, hockey, basketball, fishing, hunting, hiking, going to the mountains… this strengthens his ability to conduct man`s duties. This feeds his man`s nature.
This is hard, really hard especially if there are children in a family.
Until we had children a husband could meet with his friends as soon as he wanted, just at the same time I met with my girls-friends. And everything was good.
When children appeared it has become more difficult to let him go somewhere because I myself stayed with children at home. Sometimes I was even unhappy that he went to his friends, sometimes even “made concerts”.
It did not make our relationship better. Now I try to meet him half-way. It is not always easy; it is hard if he is away more than it was agreed. But I see how happy and filled he comes home. How many things he is ready to do for me and for children.
You may treat it like an investment which can germinate and give dividends in a form of love and care.
This is not all of course. This is only a first step to understand a man. And when we make this step towards him – this can make happy both of us.
Olga Valyaeva – valyaeva.ru
|Translation: Olga Shpak (Vk & Fb)|